FINDING FRIENDS
This is a rather confusing topic for me. Two poles pull and push at the same time, whenever I speak about it.
Every time I try to wrap my head around it, it spirals into a vicious paradox.
Is it the people who make the place, or the place that makes the people. These thoughts circle in my head like vultures awaiting the timely death of their prey.
Coming into junior college, it was a rough journey. I was unsure of myself, I had something to prove, some persona that I had to create.
I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be well-known, I wanted to be infamous. It was all a vain attempt to try to get the affection and belonging that I so craved for.
Growing up, I tried all sorts of methods to fit in, I struggled tirelessly with myself and my own insecurities, namely acne at the time.
I thought myself to be unattractive, and that permeated through my entire being.
It seemed to be obvious that everyone around me thought I was repulsive and repugnant. How could I be loved I thought to myself. I thought that affection was only given to those who were socially adept, those who were more attractive than I.
The world was a theatre and I was the one who was never loved.
Or so I thought. Later I found out that I had trapped myself with my own self-image, (I’ll get to that in a bit.)
As I progressed from primary school to secondary school, it seemed that I had some sort of a community that I could trust. These were my classmates, my water polo teammates. They were the people that I could rely on for support. They were always there (because we trained 6 times a week; I have no clue how we did it). That was the group of people that I cared for, because, for the first time in forever, I felt like I had been cared for. They saw me as equals, rather than as an inferior.
They gave me my raison d’être, I was going to make sure they were alright.
This was it, I thought I had found myself through my community of friends and had found people that I could die for, people who I suffered relentlessly with (due to water polo). They made me nice.
But deep within, that child who longed for affection was still afraid. Some amount of success in the sport fuelled my pride, it gave me recognition, people would notice me and they would know me as the one who could play water polo. I made the relation that achievement and accolades would give me the affection and connections that I wanted.
I bled for this cause, I bled to make it to the top, so that this was going to happen. So that I would be the one who could rise above and be adored.
I did sufficiently well, and eventually, I got what I wanted, the adoration and admiration of some of my peers. But it was never enough I was confused and I was unclear about what else there was if admiration felt so hollow and empty.
What else was there to do.
Knowing no other alternative, I picked up my shovel and continued to dig my own grave. I decided to try to distinguish myself as much as possible from the rest of the students, doing things that were different, bordering on the lines of controversy, so that I would get noticed and feel validated.
This lasted for too long.
I went into JC and it infected me like a disease, I was a consummate slave to admiration.
It didn’t matter what people had thought of me, so long as they did think of me was all that mattered.
It was the only way I thought.
Then slowly my the lens that I used to look at myself began to shift in focus. It was odd and out of my control. I didn’t understand what was happening. Life was becoming more peaceful?
I tried to comprehend why I felt this way and I looked within and found nothing.
So I began to look outside. Maybe the source of this new found joy was based on something external, something that I would never expect.
Was it the people around me? Was it those whom I briefly communicated with, those whom I had spent my time with.
Maybe it was them, I couldn’t be too sure.
‘It was too nice, how did I deserve such treatment?’ I thought to myself.
Perplexed, I decided to ponder deeper into the matter, I explored the significance of those connections in my life.
It seemed that I had found a community, for once in my life, that I didn’t feel compelled to prove myself to. I could just be myself, and they would be there for me. It was so utterly confusing.
I reacted with disdain at the start. But slowly I thought, maybe they were just, nice? It was such a stark difference that the realisation burned me slightly.
I came out of my shell a little bit more, little by little. I opened up, had fewer expectations, conversed a little more. I Saw them in less judgemental and cynical eyes.
I didn’t need to be someone to talk to them, I didn’t need to have status, influence, popularity or any of those things to talk to them. They were just there being really nice. It was a really pleasant change for me.
Thank you.
Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the key that I have long been searching for.
